Non Sequitur #5: The Green Lantern Discussion

I'm used to my conversations with long-time Friend of Cliff Kay Carter Shepley taking odd turns and veering off into strange non sequiturs or weird quotes. It's one of the main reasons why we work as friends.

In tonight's phone call, somehow the topic of the comic book superhero Green Lantern was breached, which led to a rant by me on how, next to Aquaman, he was the worst Superfriend because his weakness was the color yellow. I vaguely recall yelling into the phone that a yield sign could "take his green ass down."

So, in the spirit of random list making, here is what I believe to be a fairly comprehensive list of yellow things that could take down Green Lantern (minus the aforementioned yield sign).

1. A ripened banana.

2. A school bus.

3. Two week old Winn-Dixie brand butter that has just been sitting out in the fridge (it's an almost radioactive, pulsating yellow).

4. Daffodils.

5. Babies with jaundice.

6. French's Mustard (Any mustard, really. I just prefer French's).

7. A tall, cool glass of Toomer's Lemonade (War Eagle and whatnot).

8. Lemon icebox pie made with love by your grandma (Fact: Almost anything made by Grandma is good).

9. Corn.

10. Fritos.

11. My Adjunct Faculty Handbook from Southern Union (yellow cover ... and, yes, it should worry you that a community college professor is taking the time to compile a list of yellow things that could potentially destroy a fictional comic book hero).

12. Pikachu (for all my Pokemon lovin' readers ... Ben, I think).

13. The sun on the Raisin Bran box.

14. The pots of gold marshmallows in Lucky Charms.

15. Marshmallow Peeps.

16. Banana Laffy Taffy.

17. Smokers' teeth.

18. The plastic bag from a loaf of Sunbeam bread (The Giant Loaf, I think. He is a superhero, after all.)

19. TV's "The Simpsons"

20. A No. 2 pencil (well-sharpened, of course).

And, of course, a true threat to the Green Lantern:

Don't let the dopey grin fool you. Big Bird is a gangsta and will murder and eat your family.

He grew up on the Street, yo, brought to you by the letters F and U.

The subject of the Green Lantern using the restroom also came up as a topic of discussion. Kay suggested, and I concurred, that Hal Jordan must obviously stay well-hydrated to avoid any color issues with his leavings.

That being said, what if he walked into a public restroom and saw some ... remnants? Would we walk in the men's room to find his weird, green-clad ass in a fetal position on the floor of the restroom? I hope not; considering most public restrooms, there's piss all over that floor.

Now, of course, your argument against this entire list could be "But, Cliff, when he takes off the ring, it doesn't affect him." True. But, when he takes off that ring, he's a normal human being. I could just shoot him.

What kind of weakness is yellow? Answer: a bitch-ass one.

Verdict: The Green Lantern is a bitch ass.