The McCollumn - 5/20: 'Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?'

“Adam Cooner tagged you in a post,” the text message from Facebook told me.

One never knows where a message like that will take you.

“Adam Cooner hopes Cliff McCollum realizes that this weekend he’ll be following Jordan Gentry and me into a place where every venomous snake in Alabama can be found. It’s going to be fun,” the status read.

“Fun,” I thought. “That’s a dangerous adjective.”

Yes, dear readers, this weekend I will travel down with friends Adam Cooner and the recently graduated Dr. Jordan Gentry, DVM, to the Conecuh National Forest in search of what Cooner calls “both endangered and dangerous species.”

Snakes. Poisonous snakes. Snakes that could, if provoked thusly, kill you.

My will is prepared. My obituary is pre-written and edited - by me, of course.

Knowing my luck, I will be the first of us to find that holy grail of Alabama poisonous snakes: the eastern coral snake. Micrurus fulvius, for those of us who survived Latin.

I have this way with animals. I’m almost certain I can make a snake that would otherwise flee a situation rise up and bite.

I’m seeking the advice of noted snake experts before I leave on this quest.

I’m told my requests to bring my machete or a cleverly disguised sword cane were rejected or would be frowned upon.

We’re there to observe and report, not destroy and upset.

I will bring along my waterproof notebook and pen, transcribing our trek through the forest and praying I don’t die somewhere in those God-forsaken woods.

I’m leaving word here and now that those last thoughts should be translated and put here in next week’s McCollumn space, me possibly speaking to you from beyond the grave, should the unthinkable happen.

Perhaps some vodka should be brought as well - strictly for medicinal purposes, I assure you.

In all honesty, folks, I expect nothing but a good time with friends I’ve known for years. I know I’m going to learn a lot and I’m probably going to have to put up with a great deal of ‘vetspeak.’

We live in a state filled with abundant and lovely natural resources, and the ecosystems that support life like coral snakes and other interesting wildlife are rapidly disappearing to make way for development and business.

I consider myself lucky to be able to enjoy such an interesting trip, and I’ll gladly share my experiences with you when I get back.

Wish me luck, friends.

I shall return ... I hope.