Opelika is a wonderful town. I really cannot say that enough. I’ve had the distinct pleasure to be raised here, and I feel blessed for it.
However, Opelika is not perfect. We do not live in some sort of blessed utopia or the proverbial “shining city upon a hill.”
There is only one major thing Opelika lacks that keeps it from achieving true greatness: its lack of a Krispy Kreme Doughnut shop.
Truly, there are three no more glorious words in the English language as the ones that flash in that soul-piercing red neon sign, as if written in the handwriting of the gods themselves for us mere mortals to be honored to see: “Hot Doughnuts Now.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve nearly caused multiple car collisions because of that sign.
I love Tiger Town and the many stores it has brought to this area. For example, I don’t know how I’ve lived this long without the 24-hour Kroger.
Every time I’ve heard about a new expansion at Tiger Town, my pulse has quickened with anticipation, a longing to hear a Krispy Kreme was coming our way.
I would get myself to a mental place where I could be prepared to preemptively amputate my feet in an attempt to combat the diabetes I would be sure to develop. I’ve even got Wilford Brimley and the good people at Liberty Medical on speed dial so I can get my testing supplies delivered right to my door.
And, every time, I’ve been disappointed, disheartened and disturbed when I would hear a Krispy Kreme would not be here.
You can only get your hopes up so many times before you begin to feel defeated by the whole thing.
I’ve talked to city council members and folks at the Opelika Chamber of Commerce, and they’ve all said the same thing.
Krispy Kreme headquarters has decreed we are too close to Columbus and Montgomery to support a store of our own.
I find that statement to be as absurd as it is incorrect, and wrote Krispy Kreme a fairly strongly-worded letter saying something to that effect. To this day, I’ve not heard back from them.
Seriously, the sales to First Baptist Church on a Sunday alone could keep them in business, and I know full well that it isn’t just Baptists who love those doughnuts.
To me, it is easy to mathematically prove Opelika deserves a Krispy Kreme.
Krispy Kreme doughnuts are the best. Opelika deserves the best. Therefore, by the transitive property (or one of those math things that Gloria Campbell tried desperately to drill into my brain in high school), Opelika deserves a Krispy Kreme.
There is nothing in the world quite like one of those hot, glazed doughnuts.
Honestly, they are so soft you really don’t even have to chew them; you just sort of inhale them and let the warmth spread over you like a beloved family quilt.
Few things in this world match the happiness of doughnut happiness.
I know some of you love these doughnuts just as much as I do.
I’ve seen you in line after Opelika football games at Montgomery’s Crampton Bowl. We all laugh and share coupons as we wait patiently for a few boxes of those wonderful treats.
Just think, if we had a store like Montgomery, we could do that every Friday. So, what do we do? How do we let the suits at Krispy Kreme HQ know that we mean business?
Write a letter, send an e-mail, make a phone call.
These are all good things to do, for a start. I propose a more drastic action, one of those “cut off the nose to spite the face” kind of deals.
We must boycott all forms of Krispy Kreme found in our local grocery stores, gas stations and other sundry locations.
We must resist the siren’s call of the creme-filled and brave the straits of the cruller and the chocolate-glazed.
We know coffee cake and danish aren’t as good, but we will stick to them and remain steadfast in our resolve.
We will tell Krispy Kreme they can keep their day-old goods from Columbus and Montgomery.
We will tell them we will only eat a doughnut that comes from our town, so they’d better hurry up and build one.
If we hit them in the pocketbook, they’ll fall like the walls of Jericho.
I know we can do this, Opelika. We are capable of great things when we work together.
Imagine what a wonderful day it will be when we can all stand in the queue on that opening day, laughing and bantering as we wait for the doors to open.
We will all fill ourselves full of golden fried goodness and that highly addictive coffee.
We will be a step closer to true greatness. We deserve greatness, don’t we?
But, you read it here first, if I am not at the head of the line that wonderful day, there will be trouble.
Consider yourselves warned.
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