‘Twas two days before Christmas,
And all through my house
Not a creature was stirring
... Except for a louse.
Yes, dear readers, some time Sunday between noon and 2 p.m., someone (or ones) broke into my beloved McCollum Cottage and absconded with several small electronics items in tow.
They took it upon themselves to wait until after my petsitter had left, kicking in my front door and helping themselves to the relatively scant pickings available in my home.
When I returned home from Anniston Sunday, I noticed the front door was ajar due to the abnormal amount of light in the living room, and from there was treated to bouts of anger and sadness for the remainder of the day.
Here at Christmas, when we are all supposed to be filled with the milk of human kindness and are told to feel compassion and goodwill toward our fellow man, some low-life had made off with my stuff.
Rage was the natural first emotion.
I wanted to get my hands on these turkeys and beat their skulls in with a spiked baseball bat, a’la Raekwon the Chef (one of my favorite members of the Wu-Tang Clan).
At the very least, I wanted to be able to kick them in the nads and watch them writhe around on the ground in pain for a bit.
Not very Christmasy, I’ll grant you.
As the afternoon progressed into evening, however, my perspective on the ordeal somewhat softened.
So, to the person or persons who robbed my house Sunday, I have just a few words for you, from me:
Dear robber or robbers,
I don’t know what made you choose McCollum Cottage to rob, but, as you can see by what you made off with, there really wasn’t much to steal.
See, I’m a journalist. We don’t make much money, so I try to live simply and within my means (even if I have to borrow the money to do it). No expensive electronics, no fancy artwork - just a no-frills country existence in a house that exists largely as it has since it was built in the 1950s.
I don’t have cable or internet out there; there aren’t any lines to run to the house. My Internet was through a small Verizon Wireless card, but you took that, and I cancelled it yesterday. It’s of no use to you now.
Within the laptop you stole, you may find the first disk of Season 6 of ‘Will and Grace.’ There are some good episodes on that disk. I hope you enjoy them; Harry Connick, Jr., guest stars in a few. If you find yourself not wanting the disk, feel free to slip it back into my mailbox. It’s going to be a pain in the butt to replace just that one disk, and I don’t think you really want it.
Thank you for not harming my dog Fitz. You may not have even known he was there, but I was glad to see that nothing had been done to him. Had you harmed him, I might have had to hunt you down like Liam Neeson does whenever someone takes one of his kids in a movie. The result would not have been pleasant - for you or me.
I’m not sure why you felt the need to rob my house. If it’s because you’re down on your luck and need money, well ... don’t we all. Robbing a low-income person like me isn’t going to get you there, though.
None of the items you stole are pawnable.
Half of them don’t even work properly.
If you’re giving them as gifts, you may have difficulty explaning why they seem so well-used and old. Good luck on those explanations.
I began my afternoon Sunday feeling mostly angry with you, but, now, in the light of a new day, I feel sorry for whatever decisions you made that have led you down this path.
Whoever you are, something tells me that your momma didn’t raise you to be a thief, and I dare say she’d be disappointed in your actions in this.
In a season where we’re supposed to show love and kindness to one another, you have shown greed and malice.
I want you to know I’m praying for you.
I hope God will show you that the path you are on will only lead to more destruction, more sadness and nothing of the goodness or light of life.
I hope you are able to turn your life around and are able to get back some of your humanity and a spirit of kindness.
You may have broken into my home and stolen from me both items and a sense of comfort in my own home, but the Devil is stealing your soul from you, and that’s more worrisome to me.
Just ask on Jesus’ name and beg His forgiveness.
Do that, and you will have mine as well.
May God find you and make you His. That’s my Christmas wish for you.
Sincerely,
Cliff McCollum
Nicely written, Cliff. So sorry your feeling of comfort and security was rudely disrupted, like a cold, hard slap in the face. You yourself have such humanity and kindness that you must give them pause.
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